Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. 

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. 

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. 

There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Stop f***ing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. 

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge azzhole. 

I'm not the cashier!
By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! 

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. 

Competitive eating isn't a sport.
It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. 

No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. 

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months."
"He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Go to link sharing and copy its links to your menu. It's pretty cool.

We are glad you joined us Jokes

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

---

I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day
- Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

---

When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

---

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not.
- Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

---

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

---

Beer is proof that God loves us.
He wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

---

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

---

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
- Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

---

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 
6. You watch the Weather Channel. 
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door don't turn down the stereo. 
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
16. You take naps somewhere between noon to 6 PM! 
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: We're #1 in the #2 business.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..
Pizza Shop Slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place.
On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
On a Fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.
In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills.
At a Radiator Shop: Best place in town to take a leak

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: We're #1 in the #2 business.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..
Pizza Shop Slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place.
On a Taxidermist's window:We really know our stuff. In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
On a Fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.
In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills.
At a Radiator Shop: Best place in town to take a leak

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on. Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down. 
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That. 
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso. 
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors." 
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 
8. Dont use any punctuation 
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. 
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 
12. Sing Along At The Opera. 
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme. 
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropica Sounds All Day. 
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 
16 Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard. 
17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!! 
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go. 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?  Juan on Juan   
What is a Yankee?  The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?  The position of the dirt bag   
Why is divorce so expensive?  Because it's worth it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?  Doughnuts   
Why is air a lot like sex?  Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?  A golden retriever   
What do attorneys use for birth control?  Their personalities   
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?  45 lbs   
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?  45 minutes   
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?  Through his chest with a sharp knife   
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?  Because those men already have boyfriends   
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving   
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?  Because they have cotton balls
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?  A porcupine has the pricks on the outside   
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?  "Are you sure it's mine?"   
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?  Mace will do that to you   
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?  Everyone has the same DNA   
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it   
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?  A different bar   
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?  A speech impediment   
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?  They're hiring   
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!   
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?  A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." 

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.  
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking  icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the   index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna   crash!   
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is  connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to   another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.   
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons  in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out   with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.   
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the   memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the  computer and be sure to tell your Mom! 

"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died
  would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted,
ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia,
  but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what's your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I'm so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog's bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?"
 Well what do you say to people that work nights